Thursday, April 27, 2006

Child Safety on the Internet

On-line sexual predators are such a pain in the ass, aren’t they? And not just our ass, but sometimes our kids’, too.

Worried about your kids’ safety, you’ve begged your ISP, threatened various domain hosting companies, written intimidating letter to ICANN, and petitioned the Supreme Court to write the First Amendment out of the Constitution, all to no avail. What’s a concerned parent to do?

Well, worry no more. Now there’s a strategy you can use to keep your kids from accessing online pornography, inappropriate chat rooms and questionable Web sites that are frequented by online predators -- sites like, for instance.

Surely you’ve heard about, that teen-oriented Web site where members can advertise their virginity, vulnerability and availability to lure legions of unsuspecting pedophiles to their doorstep. It’s been in the news, often, as of late.

You say you’ve tried everything you can think of, but your teens and ’tweens are still chatting up every ‘Chat Room Charlie’ with minimal social skills and a maximum amount of stupid and a hankering for fresh, young meat. You’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work.

Oh, ye of limited imagination, ye of little faith! Here’s something I’ll bet you haven’t tried, something I guarantee you will work.

Keep your kids off the Internet. Problem solved!

That’s right! If you’re really concerned about your child’s safety and you’re half the responsible parent you pretend to be, simply forbid your child access to the Internet. Problem solved!

Show some balls, Mom! Don’t be a pussy, Dad! Your child’s safety and welfare are your responsibility. Don’t try to fob your parental duties off on anyone else. Don’t expect others to sacrifice their Constitutional rights because you lack a spine.

Maybe we should start limiting online access in the same way we limit access to cars. No one takes the car out for a spin until they’re old enough. In the case of Internet access, 18 would seem about right.

Problem solved!